Rebuild from Depression Blog

If you have a chance to see this every day, do it.

Note to self: start enjoying the sunset more often.

Many months have passed since my last down cycle but I am keenly aware of how important it is for me to live my life differently so that those cycles either never come again or so that, if they do, they will not be nearly as grim.

One of the tools that I use on potentially very bad days is to challenge myself to see something very interesting. I had a potentially stressful meeting in late August. I tried not to be too anxious about it (but I was). Everyone in the house was well aware that of all of the days this year, that day held the greatest potential for me to go bananas. My mom offered to accompany me to town and run errands while I went through the wringer. Knowing myself the risk in the day, I took her up on her offer.

But before we left home that morning I made an announcement:

"We need to take the camera because today we will take a picture of something spectacular."

No, it's not a private island in the Pacific or an exclusive mountain retreat. It's just home. Fall has become winter somehow as I sat inside and missed most of the fall season color. We do get color in our part of California but you have to be outside to see it.

I have learned a lot since early August when I began to spend far more time than I should working in front of a computer.

Here are some of the bigger lessons:

1) There is a big difference between "a little bit" and "none."

Here I am talking about exercise unfortunately. Through most of the summer and a good part of the year prior, I would put my amount of exercise in the category of "a little bit." I knew I should do better. It would help with my efficiency and muscle-building. (I am not supposed to write that other word.) What I did not fully appreciate is that I could do worse.

Who knew that walking across the property to check a garden hose counts as movement. It does.

I suppose you cannot fully appreciate that fact until you hit that "none" category. Older folks and bedridden folks tell me about this but I figured I was pretty close to the "none" category as it was. I was not. And even in this period of "none" I did manage to work outside clearing the hillside a number of times, but that's a whole other story (as you will see).

In any case, my food intake was healthy and reasonable and then, sometime in month three, I gained about three tons in two days. I expect to solve this particular problem with an elliptical trainer promised by my in-laws as a Christmas gift for my husband and I and a weight set.

2) Don't mess with poison oak.

At my six-month check up yesterday and cleaning, I asked the dental hygienist “how old” my teeth are. “You know that book ‘Real Age’ that adjusts your calendar age for bad habits like smoking and good habits like exercise to come up with your ‘Real Age’? What’s the ‘Real Age’ of my teeth?”

First of all, no patient has apparently asked the question before and she explained how no algorithm exists to answer. However, she did say that my teeth were pretty much on target for hitting their first 39th birthday just last week.

She said, “You have no major signs of inflammation and certainly none that couldn’t be solved with more regular flossing.”

“Inflammation? You can see it in my teeth?”

I have done exceptionally well this pregnancy and postpartum. I made it through the entirely pregnancy without an episode. I survived the first five days postpartum with a baby in the NICU. I am going to pat myself on the back right now because I structured life well and took care of myself. I cut back on work, I worked only when I could, I stayed out of politics (somewhat). Good for me.

That paragraph is my attempt to see the glass as half full.

Somewhere in the period of six weeks or twelve weeks or sixteen weeks postpartum, risk for depression peaks. With whatever hormone ride is driving that peak, things like baby surgery intervene to plot against you. I was doing very well until Alastair's diagnosis and it was like that one small push that sends you stumbling around and trying to catch your balance. He has a procedure on his tendons Monday which requires general anesthesia. That means surgery. There's nothing like surgery for your own baby that will get you a 16 on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Score. I tell myself, "Sixteen really isn't that bad, last time you thought your baby was filled with demons." (Clinicians get concerned when you're a 11-13 out of 30.)

When we start congratulating ourselves for not being psychotic, that may speak for itself.

Every day since I found out I was pregnant I focused on taking care of myself. I now have renewed urgency to do so and the fact that I see the urgency and can plan what I need gives me hope that things will get better soon. In the past, I was in a pit so deep I couldn't see that the list below would ever help. Getting past the surgery will surely help as well.

1) Smiling and laughing. I know it's cliche and seems so simple for such terrible circumstances, but research does show that smiling (even a forced one) and laughing help. There was a study a couple of years ago on the effect of laughing on breast milk. More laughter equals more melatonin in milk which equals better sleep for baby. It's probably not chance that in this house baby isn't sleeping as well these days. Luckily, Alastair is a very happy baby and smiles a lot. I see it as my duty to smile back every time even if I don't feel like it. We're filling up the Netflix queue with comedies as well. Good suggestions??

2) Appreciating. I know this is cliche too and if you are reading this and really struggling, you're going to want to kick my ass, but when you're on the edge between just "struggling" and "really struggling," this is a good strategy. (If you're in the "really struggling" category, get someone in person and in the profession who can help you). Back to "appreciating." I have said several times lately that I need to take a vacation anywhere really, but need a place with fresh air and an outside deck. That's about the most ridiculous thing considering that we live in the Sequoia National Forest. We are thirty minutes from Giant Sequoia trees. We have fresh air and decks on each side of our house. To start the baby steps of "appreciating," I've started taking pictures of everything that's beautiful or interesting. We have permission tonight to hike on someone else's property to get a picture of our house on its hill. That should be cool.

3) Exercising. Most people are aware that exercise increases your serotonin levels naturally. Serotonin is a fell-good hormone around which anti-depressant medications are centered. Exercising is like Zoloft with the benefit of muscle development, at least it can be if you actually do it. Deep in a pit you're not going to do it and don't kick yourself over it. One of my personal cues that I am not too deep in is that I actually can get out and do it. I take a walk with the stroller twice a day on steep terrain and I've been doing spring cleaning on the grounds. I can feel my muscles coming back.

4) Nutrients. I take a liquid multi, a B complex, omega-3 fish oil, magnesium, and desiccated liver. Hey, with all of that I don't know why I need to eat. Kidding. I am trying to eat well too. My food quality appears to be directly related to the presence of my mother, however, who just left for the week.

5) Sleep. Without sleep, you probably need not bother scoring yourself on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. It must be one of the single biggest factors postpartum with all of the sleep loss inherent in raising a baby. I have used an over-the-counter sleep aid either when I know it's a bad night or if a bad night happened I take one as insurance the following night. I am sure it passes into the milk but I know that can't be the worst thing to happen here. My midwife would prescribe me a sleep aid but some can be associated with depression, so check on that issue if you are hunting for one.

That's the news here. I'll post some pictures of my "appreciation" exercises. :)

Technorati Tags: B vitamins, depression, liver, postpartum depression, pregnancy

Sometime last week, all hell was breaking loose in my house, I was recovering from a root canal remodel that ended up infected, so for survival sake, I grabbed baby Alastair and the camera and headed to one of my favorite places -- the Trail of 100 Giants, a Giant Sequoia redwood grove just 25 minutes from my house.

The leaves on the quaking aspen had turned yellow, most had fallen off, but the oak trees still had quite a show for us.

I find that if I take the camera and try to get pictures of interesting or beautiful things, just the process of looking for pictures helps readjust my brain in a positive direction. About two years ago I described a similar strategy when I was expecting a hard day. We set off to some stressful meetings and to offset the stress, I set a goal of taking a "picture of something spectacular." I got one. :)

If you like this picture, take a look at the photo albums I set up with photos from around our house. Now that we have more blogs than we can keep track of in our household, I have compiled them all in one place, along with the photo albums: Gill on the Hill.