Rebuild from Depression Blog

In the summer, I sit under them, without my sunglasses, take the daylight into my eyes to help my body produce melatonin.

In the fall, I rake them into piles and move them to our garden's compost bins.

In the winter, I watch them deteriorate and rejoin the soil.

In the spring, I enjoy the sun shining through the translucent green crop.

Technorati Tags: gardening, melatonin, sunshine

We had surgery Monday morning at the best children's hospital in this part of the state: Children's Hospital of Central California. We wondered if it would be safe to have surgery given the news of the swine flu epidemic over the weekend. In times of uncertainty, you just don't know. It's perhaps why the times are uncertain. I did decide, however, that if this is the beginning of a global pandemic, it would be best to get the surgery over with sooner rather than later.

We did wonder what kind of protocol we would have to follow to pass through security. Would they question us about recent travel? Ask if we had a cough? Pass out surgical masks?

I was at this same hospital seven years ago with another child who had surgery and I went bananas when they let us through security without asking about our health. It is their normal protocol to do so. I complained in two places. I was deeply concerned (read: paranoid) about my child getting sick when his immune system was compromised with surgery.

This week there was even more reason for concern over germs and, apparently, we've all gotten pretty loosey-goosey about the whole business.

The protocol for swine flu: Nothing.

They asked nary a question about our health condition at surgery. In the surgery waiting area a woman sat wrapped in a fleece blanket coughing. No one asked her to leave. She appeared to be too old to be a patient waiting for surgery.

Unlike seven years ago, I did not make a stink largely because I learned seven years ago that it did not matter and only got me more worked up.

Seven years ago

"Mom, do you think any of the nurses who were there at the time would remember me?"

After a thoughtful pause, "Yes, it's definitely possible."

At the encouragement from my mother, Frederick plans to sell daffodils and narcissus at local farmers markets in a few years to help pay for college. She plans to help him develop the business. In the meantime, I'll spend free time in the summer and fall moving bulbs, digging, bending, and otherwise moving my body around. Good for me.

Many folks these days seek a "traditional diet" of whole foods, just like our ancestors ate. Ancestors were less concerned about raw food. They drank raw milk, for instance, poured right from the milk pail in many cases. Today we have to worry more about the plethora of food-borne pathogens, particularly if we are not regularly exposed to them. Frederick's exposure there in the picture -- chasing chickens, slithering through their muck to catch them -- is why I don't worry too much if he has one of their egg yolks in an egg nog-like drink. When not being chased by boys, the hens have access to weeds and bugs which makes their eggs high Omega 3 eggs. Omega 3 is good for depression and brain health in general.

On the raw egg, one brush of the hand across the mouth on days like this one is far worse than anything that might be in the related raw egg.

Technorati Tags: eggs, foods that fight depression, Omega 3, raw egg, raw milk

If we ever needed a visual that eggs can be contaminated on the inside as well as on the outer shell, we've got it. Here's a gecko that took a real bad turn up the back side of a hen and spent its final days swishing around in egg white. That's a custard you'd want to cook. (Check out the story of the discovery: ABC News.)

I eat them raw or undercooked, I admit. I don't worry too much about our own eggs but not because I think they cannot contain salmonella. I just figure I get exposed to so much salmonella cleaning out the hen house here that the eggs are the least of my concerns. Same with the little folk. Eggs from hens eating bugs and weeds are a pretty good source of Omega 3 fatty acids, key for brain health.

Technorati Tags: eggs, Omega 3, salmonella

"Dad, get the yellow frisbee. Throw it up in the tree to try to get the pink frisbee down."

"Yes, do that Sander. I want to see it," she laughs.

"Frederick, what we need is a really long pole."

Things looked pretty ugly around here in the couple of weeks leading up to Alastair's surgery. I scored myself on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale and got a 16. The scale ranges from 0 to 30. Folks get concerned with numbers above 11 or 12. My score of 16 was pretty bad. Anyone whose baby has had surgery or has otherwise had health problems knows well why. It is close to impossible not to get worked up about the "what ifs."

I posted about my plan and I did a good job of sticking to it. The core parts of the plan were (1) Smiling and laughing, (2) Appreciating, (3) Exercising, (4) Nutrients, (5) Sleep. Read the details.

Surgery went well. Obviously, had it not, I probably would not be writing about my new-and-improved score on the Edinburgh Scale.

I am proud to say that I just scored a "3," well in the clear for now.

I wonder if I'm out of the woods, here at almost five months postpartum. I expect if I keep up with my regimen, I may just make it.

Technorati Tags: depression, postpartum depression, Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale

Usually found dispersed in grassy meadows, these blue dicks are hanging on a cliff (below) making quite a show. I wonder if it's because they have no grass for competition or if this is their last-ditch effort to show off before erosion thins them out again.

Technorati Tags: blue dicks, wildflowers

We seem to do pretty much everything around here pretty big and that includes buying meat. When we buy beef or lamb, we buy the whole animal and hire a butcher to do the deed and another party to cut and package the animal. We eat well for many, many months, save trips to the store, enjoy filet mignon, and have friends who invite themselves over.

Every time we do it we end up in this discussion about how much grain to feed the animal in the last few weeks. Omega-3 fatty acids decline as grain feeding increases, but gosh, it's hard to coordinate a steer's and a pasture's maturity to end up with an animal that is fattened from grazing alone. We usually give the steer some grain in his last days, but we end up with a pretty lean end-product nonetheless. The lean nature of the product is a key reason grass fed beef is not a high Omega-3 food, contrary to some writings on the Internet.

Some time back, I wrote about our freelance butcher Ted and the adventure watching him butcher a steer, pictured below (I Met My Meat). If you are thinking about buying a live animal, you might benefit from some of my mistakes. If you are interested and don't know where to start, your best bet on price is to hook up with a small rancher who has a few extra animals but does not market to the high-end grass fed beef market. You might find them at a farmer's market, probably selling something other than beef. If I were looking here, I'd hit some area cowboy restaurants and talk to the guys drinking beer. Minimally, I would get to chat and drink beer, so it's all good.

Somehow, I've now got a powerful craving for a burger.

Technorati Tags: grass fed beef, Omega 3, hamburger, puppy

We seem to do pretty much everything around here pretty big and that includes buying meat. When we buy beef or lamb, we buy the whole animal and hire a butcher to do the deed and another party to cut and package the animal. We eat well for many, many months, save trips to the store, enjoy filet mignon, and have friends who invite themselves over.

Every time we do it we end up in this discussion about how much grain to feed the animal in the last few weeks. Omega-3 fatty acids decline as grain feeding increases, but gosh, it's hard to coordinate a steer's and a pasture's maturity to end up with an animal that is fattened from grazing alone. We usually give the steer some grain in his last days, but we end up with a pretty lean end-product nonetheless. The lean nature of the product is a key reason grass fed beef is not a high Omega-3 food, contrary to some writings on the Internet.

Some time back, I wrote about our freelance butcher Ted and the adventure watching him butcher a steer, pictured below (I Met My Meat). If you are thinking about buying a live animal, you might benefit from some of my mistakes. If you are interested and don't know where to start, your best bet on price is to hook up with a small rancher who has a few extra animals but does not market to the high-end grass fed beef market. You might find them at a farmer's market, probably selling something other than beef. If I were looking here, I'd hit some area cowboy restaurants and talk to the guys drinking beer. Minimally, I would get to chat and drink beer, so it's all good.

Somehow, I've now got a powerful craving for a burger.

Technorati Tags: grass fed beef, hamburger, Omega 3, puppy

I have been gearing up for a big weight loss regimen now that spring has sprung and I am nearly five months postpartum. It just takes a whole lot of work, focus, and dedication. It is hard to carve out the space in my day and in my brain for the kind of time and attention it takes. Furthermore, there really are no secrets except that if you try a method that departs from reducing intake and burning up calories, you're likely to see the weight come back pretty darned quick.

A zero carb diet is a sure ticket to a size 8. It's such an exciting thing until you realize that ticket was for a round-trip and you have already given away your old clothes.

A high fat diet even with healthy carbs added is what I like to call "Perpetual Christmas Dinner" and, sorry, but you can't eat enough coconut oil with it to offset the reality that it is a whole lot of calories. The calories don't seem to count if the carbs are obsessively low. If you can't (or shouldn't) reach the necessary level of obsession, those calories count. There aren't enough hours in the day to exercise that stuff away. If a variant of this sort of diet works for you, all I've got to say is that God must love you more. I'd sure like it to work for me.

Then there is the non-fat diet where you can eat strange non-fat breads, cheeses, and the occasional chicken breast. Do not add olive oil. Do not add butter. Keep it under ten grams a day. I've been there and my big problem with a non-fat diet is that I value my brain too much. Frankly, I choose my brain over my hips and thighs. Deplete your brain of healthy fats and you could well find yourself writing on a blog very much like this one.

My Diet and Goal

So I'm on a diet as it turns out. It's quite possible that no one has noticed because I'm starting out by eating anything in my freezer or cupboards (you know, except things like the shelf paper). We keep pretty decent cupboards without terrible temptations. I'm not drinking anything in the cupboards; there is a temptation or two in that department.

I am exercising a good bit each day. I do lifts with the baby -- holding the baby out and doing bicep curls and chest presses, holding the baby to my chest for squats. I walk with the baby in the front carrier down a road with a 200-foot elevation change. I walk back up again too. I garden a lot. I am bending and moving around in a way that you just don't tend to do when you are planted in front of a computer. At some point I may count calories, but I'll focus on muscle-building for now.

My goal is fairly modest: I am going to lose ten pounds.

When I have met my goal, I am going to lose another ten pounds. Then I will lose another ten. At some point I will run out of extra poundage or decide it's all good (or good enough).

Inspiration

I spent Saturday with a couple of wise women, both in their sixties, one scheduled for knee replacement. They reflected on their decades of weight and the impact on their joints. My aunt who is having both knees replaced was poignant in her plea to the younger generation to keep their weight in check. She had a pretty serious weight problem but I realize that I could gain fifty pounds in the blink of an eye. Heck, a few months of a "Perpetual Christmas Dinner" could be my ticket to knee replacement in a couple of decades. It's interesting too that at 60-something, looking back on decades of weight, my aunt didn't discuss how she could have looked better or what size she always wanted to be. She walks with a cane now and just wants to be able to exercise. I was thinking about her as I read Lisa's blog on life after bypass surgery. She posted a picture of larger ladies dancing naked and says, "If I could dance around like that woman in the picture, I wouldn't care that I'm fat." I found Lisa's blog via the Natural Cures Carnival.

That's my long-game inspiration for losing my first ten pounds: it's real good to be able to walk.

Being able to walk should inspire me enough, but on Saturday these wise women appealed to my vanity just to make sure. Do you know how women end up with hanging skin under their arms? They tell me that they both lost weight too late in life and now they have a bunch of hanging skin. They did several demonstrations for me.

I asked, "Are you telling me that if I don't lose weight now and I lose it when my skin elasticity decreases, that I'll have hanging arm skin?"

"Yes you will!"

It was a running joke/not-at-all-a-joke all day Saturday.

Past Plans

Thinking about this diet made me realize I had plans about a year ago for equally modest weight loss. I planned to lose one dress size in 2008 then I got ambitious and decided to lose forty or fifty pounds, inspired that I would look more like 25 years old on my 40th birthday. I missed both goals. The 40th birthday passed two months ago but we celebrated a much better birthday with a new baby in December. The good news I don't think I gained five pounds in the pregnancy. The bad news is I got pregnant before losing the one dress size or looking like I was 25.

Over the years I have been working on a general attitude adjustment about all of this. Read "Fat" for instance. It's about my changing usage of the word. It also mentions my focus on muscle-building, the focus of the current "diet." I have always been able to build muscle even in my non-fat diet days, but nothing like I can now eating actual real protein like fish and eggs. I write in "Fat:"

"...I have put on muscle with a speed I have never witnessed. That's apparently why body builders eat all of those protein bars. The funny thing is that a steak works too."

It's a good thing for me that there is a steak or two in the freezer right now.

Technorati Tags: fat, protein, weight loss

"When the Wall Street Journal reaches all corners of the world, only then can economic recovery begin."

Location: A burn pile in a secluded village in the Sequoia National Forest.

Check.

Technorati Tags: economy, Wall Street Journal

In my quest to appreciate, we spent last week taking pictures of Alastair in his sleepers. He can't wear them with his brace. The sleeper in the picture has angel wings. (Awww, shouldn't they all?)

A key tool in my "appreciating" quest has been the camera. I take it on walks and drives and try to record anything interesting. It makes me look for interesting things with more intent. If I am looking for interesting things I tend not to worry as much about other things. It is re-training my brain.

Technorati Tags: appreciating, photo

We have been busy here transitioning Alastair from casts to braces. He has bilateral club feet, diagnosed a bit late because they are a fairly mild case. Mild or not, they do have a protocol and the protocol is necessary for good use of his feet when he begins to walk.

It's hard to tell babies:

"This is only for three months then it will be part-time."
"This is so you can walk."

They just feel the constraints of the contraptions. It's the contraptions that have been causing Alastair a lot of grief.

Alastair has lived with leg contraptions for a while now. His doctor did a series of full leg castings. With each casting his feet were positioned increasingly properly. He had a surgery to lengthen his tendons, surgery that probably would not have been necessary had he been treated properly out of the gate. He got his last set of casts in surgery and wore them for three weeks. In the meantime, a custom brace was being fabricated for him.

This week is his first week in the brace. The brace includes special shoes created from a mold of his feet. The shoes are attached to one another with a bar and his feet are turned outward at a 60-degree angle to offset the natural inward tendency of a club foot.

He cannot kick his feet independently. He cannot touch his feet to one another. He cannot fit into a sling and is only awkwardly snuggled on a lap.

When we saw his doctor this week she asked what we thought of the brace. "We haven't figured out how to cuddle with him well, but we will." She said, "You can take it off to cuddle with him." Orders otherwise are to keep them on for 23 hours and 30 minutes a day.

What the doctor probably does not appreciate is that we have three adults in the house who would cuddle with this child all day long. I would wear him in a sling as I type this blog post. I just know that in a year or two this will surely be an issue in therapy -- my issue. In the meantime, I can hold him to my chest, lay him across my lap, and otherwise offer lots of affection. Surely the awkwardness will subside.

In all of this, I have worked hard preserving my mental health. (Read the plan and the outcome.) Being proactive has been critical. It is far to easy to get sucked into a deep hole when your baby is unhappy. In our many trips to Children's Hospital of Central California where they treat the most difficult cases in this part of the state, I see RVs parked so parents can be with their children in the NICU and PICU. I see people who have moved closer to the hospital so that they can bring their children in regularly. I wonder what they do to stay sane. I just don't know if I would make it and hope I never have to put it to the test.

Technorati Tags: club feet, postpartum depression

My favorite sunflower from last summer was planted by a bird.
It turns out she was prolific. A dozen of her seedlings are growing strong this year.
Some will be overtaken by our summer garden, but regardless, there is no "zero population growth" here. We could end up with a hillside full of sunflowers in a few years.

Technorati Tags: photo, seeds, sunflower