Rebuild from Depression Blog

A big part of my anti-depression strategy in pregnancy and postpartum is to avoid the pit. It seems obvious in a sense but it is surely easier to avoid the fall into the hole than it is to climb out of it. I have been successful so far likely as the result of a whole lot of self-care as I discussed in pregnancy and again a bit recently. My top strategies continue to be (1) sleep as much as possible, (2) stay out of stressful situations, and (3) stay nourished.

If it were only the case that we could choose all of our circumstances, life would probably be reasonable. The fact is that life brings stress and we have to deal with it. With my first son, we had feeding issues that left us is such a state of desperation, perhaps I never had a chance. This time we are very lucky in many ways. Our son is even-tempered and happy. His mood helps mine which I am sure helps his in turn.

But he does have a medical problem that we are dealing with now. He will be fine in the end, but the stress of the process is more than anyone needs. If I sit still enough, it's like I can feel the suction coming from that pit I am trying to stay out of.

When Alastair was born it was obvious he had a strange position in utero. His legs were crossed across his chest rather than in the typical folded position. During his stay in the NICU, a couple of doctors looked at his feet to determine whether he had club feet. "No," they said, "just turned in feet from his fetal position." We were referred to an orthopedist who said the same thing. He was in casts for about four weeks of his first seven weeks of life as you can see in the picture above. The orthopedist then referred him to a specialist at Children's Hospital of Central California.

Two weeks ago we drove the two-and-a-half hours to Children's Hospital on the way to a business conference. The pediatric orthopedist examined his whole skeletal structure and then talked about his club feet.

I said, "Three doctors told me that these are not club feet."

"They are club feet."

"But children with club feet usually aren't healthy."

"Most of my club feet patients just have club feet and are otherwise perfectly healthy."

She cast his feet and sent us to our business conference. We then spent over two days in Sacramento with a baby ticked off at his new shoes and me saying to myself, "But these can't be club feet."

Alastair has gone through his baby stages of grief, passed denial, anger, and depression and has accepted the casts. I have finally accepted the club feet diagnosis as well but the process ahead looms large. He'll be in casts for two more weeks, have a small procedure on his tendons, wear another set of casts for three weeks, and then face three months full time in a custom brace. His case is minor enough that he may get some freedom at that point. Once he can stand, he may have full foot freedom.

His case is mild. He will be fine. We will make sure he gets any physical therapy he might need. I know all of that but I have these thoughts like "How am I going to snuggle a baby in a brace?" and then I can feel the suction from that pit.

We went back to the orthopedist this week for a new set of casts and my mom spoke with the mother of twin girls recently adopted from China. They are about three years old and were only walking unassisted when they were adopted seven months ago. My mom was amazed that in those seven months they became so proficient on their feet. "Love, care, and good nourishment is all they needed," said their mom.

We were driving home and my mom noted how much better I was doing after this visit than the first. She told me about the twins from China and the "love, care, and good nourishment." She added "that's what you need right now too." We sent my husband and older son to visit friends at the coast and we're taking the week off at home.

Technorati Tags: postpartum depression, pregnancy

I got a great gift in the mail: a review copy of Nina Planck's "Real Food for Mother and Baby."

"The best book on postnatal depression and food I've seen is Rebuild from Depression, by Amanda Rose, who understands the condition from bitter experience."

How I wish it weren't so and it's my strong need to prevent a re-run that has now made the actual book Rebuild from Depression the longest running, ready-to-print book aside from the notorious project of a friend, whose name I will not repeat here. Let's just say I haven't set the record.

I am enjoying Nina's book and hope to write more about it. Get your copy at Amazon.

Technorati Tags: postpartum depression, Nina Planck

As many as 3% of consumers may like their milk raw, a growing trend that has spurred federal legislation to allow raw milk to cross state lines. As demand grows, we have seen an increase in raw milk blogs, regulatory action in states such as Connecticut and California, and even an increase in raw milk conferences and conference panels. A problem with the raw milk discussion in general is that it remains polarized. Of the two prominent raw milk symposiums so far this year, one was made up exclusively of raw milk opponents and sponsored by the International Association for Food Protection and the other was made up exclusively of raw milk advocates.

A third symposium, in planning since the summer of 2008, is noteworthy in having a raw milk consumer on the panel. Called “The Raw Milk Conundrum,” the American Veterinary Medical Association will host the symposium this summer in Seattle. The panel includes regulators from the CDC and FDA, Californian’s favorite love-to-hate dairy safety expert Michael Payne, notorious food safety lawyer William Marler, Barfblog’s Doug Powell, and one raw milk consumer: me.

With social science background and interest in the philosophy of choice, I am charged with presenting an even-handed paper on raw milk choice appropriate for a scientific meeting. To that end, I am conducting a survey on raw milk consumer information and need your help.

If you consume raw milk and live in the United States, please take this survey. It should take only ten to fifteen minutes to complete. The survey will close April 30. The paper will be available later this fall.

Take the survey now.

Technorati Tags: Barfblog, raw milk, William Marler

I have done exceptionally well this pregnancy and postpartum. I made it through the entirely pregnancy without an episode. I survived the first five days postpartum with a baby in the NICU. I am going to pat myself on the back right now because I structured life well and took care of myself. I cut back on work, I worked only when I could, I stayed out of politics (somewhat). Good for me.

That paragraph is my attempt to see the glass as half full.

Somewhere in the period of six weeks or twelve weeks or sixteen weeks postpartum, risk for depression peaks. With whatever hormone ride is driving that peak, things like baby surgery intervene to plot against you. I was doing very well until Alastair's diagnosis and it was like that one small push that sends you stumbling around and trying to catch your balance. He has a procedure on his tendons Monday which requires general anesthesia. That means surgery. There's nothing like surgery for your own baby that will get you a 16 on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Score. I tell myself, "Sixteen really isn't that bad, last time you thought your baby was filled with demons." (Clinicians get concerned when you're a 11-13 out of 30.)

When we start congratulating ourselves for not being psychotic, that may speak for itself.

Every day since I found out I was pregnant I focused on taking care of myself. I now have renewed urgency to do so and the fact that I see the urgency and can plan what I need gives me hope that things will get better soon. In the past, I was in a pit so deep I couldn't see that the list below would ever help. Getting past the surgery will surely help as well.

1) Smiling and laughing. I know it's cliche and seems so simple for such terrible circumstances, but research does show that smiling (even a forced one) and laughing help. There was a study a couple of years ago on the effect of laughing on breast milk. More laughter equals more melatonin in milk which equals better sleep for baby. It's probably not chance that in this house baby isn't sleeping as well these days. Luckily, Alastair is a very happy baby and smiles a lot. I see it as my duty to smile back every time even if I don't feel like it. We're filling up the Netflix queue with comedies as well. Good suggestions??

2) Appreciating. I know this is cliche too and if you are reading this and really struggling, you're going to want to kick my ass, but when you're on the edge between just "struggling" and "really struggling," this is a good strategy. (If you're in the "really struggling" category, get someone in person and in the profession who can help you). Back to "appreciating." I have said several times lately that I need to take a vacation anywhere really, but need a place with fresh air and an outside deck. That's about the most ridiculous thing considering that we live in the Sequoia National Forest. We are thirty minutes from Giant Sequoia trees. We have fresh air and decks on each side of our house. To start the baby steps of "appreciating," I've started taking pictures of everything that's beautiful or interesting. We have permission tonight to hike on someone else's property to get a picture of our house on its hill. That should be cool.

3) Exercising. Most people are aware that exercise increases your serotonin levels naturally. Serotonin is a fell-good hormone around which anti-depressant medications are centered. Exercising is like Zoloft with the benefit of muscle development, at least it can be if you actually do it. Deep in a pit you're not going to do it and don't kick yourself over it. One of my personal cues that I am not too deep in is that I actually can get out and do it. I take a walk with the stroller twice a day on steep terrain and I've been doing spring cleaning on the grounds. I can feel my muscles coming back.

4) Nutrients. I take a liquid multi, a B complex, omega-3 fish oil, magnesium, and desiccated liver. Hey, with all of that I don't know why I need to eat. Kidding. I am trying to eat well too. My food quality appears to be directly related to the presence of my mother, however, who just left for the week.

5) Sleep. Without sleep, you probably need not bother scoring yourself on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. It must be one of the single biggest factors postpartum with all of the sleep loss inherent in raising a baby. I have used an over-the-counter sleep aid either when I know it's a bad night or if a bad night happened I take one as insurance the following night. I am sure it passes into the milk but I know that can't be the worst thing to happen here. My midwife would prescribe me a sleep aid but some can be associated with depression, so check on that issue if you are hunting for one.

That's the news here. I'll post some pictures of my "appreciation" exercises. :)

Technorati Tags: B vitamins, depression, liver, postpartum depression, pregnancy

I'm working on "appreciating" and took a really cool hike last night to that end. Our house is on the top of a hill with a 360-degree view of the Sierra Nevada mountains. We're technically in the Sequoia National Forest on private land. We asked neighboring land owners if we could hike on their property to get pictures of our own. It was so exciting! Their property is gorgeous and it was pretty amazing to see our house from that perspective. I've posted pictures below and I am going to mention this because I am sensitive on this issue: we're not rich. This part of the Sierra has very low property values and the house has been in the family since 1982. That said, it is a mansion designed by Irving Gill and actually used to be a brothel. :)

I am so excited about these pictures. They aren't particularly good, but if we had an actual professional up there with us, we could really have something. That's our house on the hill in the background. The beautiful people in the picture are my people. :)

More pictures after the jump:

Technorati Tags: Irving Gill, Sequoia National Forest

I took a picture of myself the other day. LOL.

No wonder motherhood is so tough. You grow an entire human being in nine months, feed it for another dozen or more, and carry it around the entire time, you get tired. Postpartum depression should be expected. We should get a big pat on the back if we avoid it or even get it a little bit. Regardless, we deserve a whole lot of care and respect.

The great news, though, is that I am doing really well with all of the exercise and sunshine I am getting. Hey, that really works! We repeated our hike of the other night, found the tallest bluedick flower I've ever seen and found the somewhat unusual flower that was the favorite of the scientist Jepson who classified California's wildflowers.

Technorati Tags: depression, postpartum depression, pregnancy

October's baby chicks sent us an Easter gift: their first batch of tiny eggs came on Easter weekend. The eggs will get bigger as the hens develop, but they will continue to be either white, brown, or green. We will have our own source of omega-3 eggs, fortified not with flax or fish oil, but by garden bugs gobbled up by excited hens.

Technorati Tags: eggs, Omega 3

In response to the raw milk survey I posted a few days ago, folks on the Ethicurean and the Complete Patient are speculating about my future. When I say “folks” I guess I really mean “Mark McAfee” of Organic Pastures Dairy Company here in California who thinks I’ll be an FDA “trophy on the wall” when I speak about raw milk choice in Seattle. He writes on the Ethicurean:

"You need more support….please ask for it….we will come and support you. The FDA and big dairy want to eat your lunch….and show off the trophy of your public lynching when it is all done.

That is why you are the only pro raw milk person on the panel and none of the heavy hitters have been invited. If they were serious about a dialogue they would have invited Pete Kennedy, Sally Fallon or Dr. Tom Cowan, Dr. Ted Beals etc…This is a token summit and you are about to be hung all by yourself. I deeply respect your effort and wish you the best. Please consider getting more support to show and help you."

No common ground

A big part of McAfee’s identity is that he is in the cross-hairs of the FDA, CDC, and our state’s CDFA, so it’s probably easy to assume that all meetings of raw milk consumers and regulator-types will be ugly. It simply depends on who is there and what their attitude is. Allow me to digress into some political science.

Technorati Tags: FDA, raw milk

Alastair and I pose in front of the backside of one of the Vander Eyk heifers. This generation of heifers appears to get far more access to grass than their predecessors ever did. Hundreds of heifers are scattered between Ducor (the location of their heifer program) and California Hot Springs (the location of my house). The dairy lost its organic certification two years ago because its cows had no access to pasture. It did graze a small group of heifers back in the day, but it appears to me that they never grazed as many as have been grazed the last two springs. High feed prices apparently make it worth trucking those girls around and about.

Funny thing: I bought their milk for $7/gallon when it carried the Horizon Organic label. I bought their product for $10+/gallon when it was bottled raw at Organic Pastures Dairy Company. I wonder who bottles it now? Maybe I should try to find it at Costco for $2/gallon or maybe I should just get a couple of goats.

Regardless of politics, I hope they are doing well in these tough dairy times.

Technorati Tags: dairy

These are the famous feet, at about four weeks. A friend saw the feet at a gathering and, after everyone said, "Those aren't bad at all, they will straighten right up," one friend added lovingly, "We are a lot like monkeys, aren't we?" I laugh at this comment because I expect he wouldn't have said it if we had known they were club feet, a birth defect.

***
My other favorite conversation was with my husband:

"I think you may have had club feet, Sander."

"What?"

"The Frankenstein scars on your shins, from your 'pigeon toe' surgery. No one gets surgery like that for pigeon toes. Your feet were turned in. You had club feet."

"Do you think so? You dad's feet were funky too. Did he have club feet?"

"I don't think he had club feet, but they sure are strange. It obviously came from your side."

"But what about your father?"

"Like I said, Alastair got his feet from you guys. It's not about me at all."

"It's your argument that if Alastair inherited your father's feet, they did not come from you?" he asked.

"That's my argument exactly."

***

Seriously though, his chance of club feet were 1 in 1,000 and his chance of Down's for my age was about 1 in 150, based on population statistics and the feet are really not that bad. That helps me keep it in perspective. He has a minor surgery on his tendons in front of us and I am trying not to let it suck me down into a dark hole.

Technorati Tags: club feet