Rebuild from Depression Blog

This blog has been dead but luckily, it's not because I'm vacationing in a state institution.

We don't often get second chances in life and I didn't really expect I'd get this particular second chance. In fact, I was too chicken to plan for it. If you haven't followed my story, my biggest depressive and psychotic moments came in pregnancy and postpartum starting about seven years ago. I'm here pregnant for the second time. Smart money would have been that I'd go crazy again because these things tend to get worse instead of better. We have worked just about every day to keep that from happening again and it has paid off so far. I am increasingly confident that we can manage postpartum as well.

I posted some tools on this blog, particularly in the post "Surviving the long pregnancy march" in which I provide my somewhat notorious (around here) "Future Baby Agreement" as well as some other key rules:

(1) Do nothing that's not necessary
(2) Sleep is everything;
(3) Determine what you are deficient in;
(4) Focus your brain on something healthy;
(5) Get a bit of exercise.

For me, "focus your brain on something healthy" has been an important framework in this pregnancy. When I am under stress I actually have certain work-related projects that are very good for my brain. I write the programs for these graphs which is about 95% monkey work at this point but programming forces you to focus and to think logically. It works for me though I know that asking anyone else in this house to write a program would drive them crazy. I have found something that works very well for my brain. My son and I also enjoy side-by-side games of "Rush Hour," a board game by ThinkFun. He plays the junior version, I play the regular version. If you brain is focused on a puzzle, it's hard for it to also be anxious.

Staying focused on health is the primary reason the book is not available. It is looking like it will be January. Apparently it seemed wise to put it off, reduce stress in my life, in an effort to avoid a psychotic sequel. Someone else will handle orders from here while I rock a newborn, though I do hope to blog. In these last days I'm trying to get used to a dictation software to allow me to rock a baby and blog at the same time. That may end up being a bit much, but it's likely the only way a blog entry will happen. Of course, I may decide to focus on the rocking the baby part.

Any hour now
I had originally intended to take off the whole third trimester to reduce depression fallout. It turns out it wasn't necessary and I just kept on working until yesterday. At some point yesterday I decided "I'm done" and woke up this morning and decided "I'm really done." There's a full moon tomorrow night and if there is anything to those wive's tales about birthing on full moons, I may really be done after all. Let's hope. It's a major gymnastic event to get out of bed these days. I've had a lot of prelabor activity. I'm surely just about ready.

I have been out walking on our road, a pretty steep climb, and neighbors have been commenting. One said, "I'm surprised to see you out here at this point." I thought the comment was odd and my mom said, "I don't know how you're walking either." I asked her to take a picture and I thought, "Damn. I'm surprised too." I'll have to post a picture adding yet another reason I will not ever be able to run for public office.

Technorati Tags: brain exercises, depression, pregnancy, postpartum depression

Things are popping here and when I say "things," I really mean "me." It surely won't be much longer, particularly if I take up jump rope as my mom has suggested.

Here's the problem:

My mom (who lives on the property) took an emergency trip to the coast in our all-wheel-drive wagon. The other cars are front wheel drives. She plans to rush back if I end up in labor, but she's four hours away from us and 2 1/2 hours away from our hospital. That all seems reasonable except that we just heard that a winter storm is forecast for the weekend with snow down to 1500 feet. We could well have a foot of snow here at 3500 feet elevation, depending on temperatures and time between snow fall.

"Here" requires some explanation because there really are few places like it. We technically live in the Sequoia National Forest (on our private land). We're at 3500 feet elevation, so the big redwoods people associate with Sequoia are not right here. The southern-most stand of redwoods is about fifteen minutes away by car.

The population of the area is in the triple digits, busting into the quads on holiday weekends. For the most part, folks are retired or have vacation cabins. Year-round residents in our age group are somewhat uncommon, though we have managed to populate a junior 4-H club with our children. There aren't enough older kids to create a slate of 4-H officers, so a regular club is a no-go.

The nearest hospital is 45 minutes away. The nearest hospital we would hope to use is one hour and twenty minutes by car. The fastest way to get there would either be in the community-sponsored ambulance or by helicopter. Folks are lifted out on occasion when their situation is dire. Community volunteers with EMT training drive the ambulance. The EMTs include a plumber, a handyman, a former school psychologist, and a psych nurse. Luckily I'm not in need of a psych nurse these days, so perhaps if I end up having the baby in my bathtub, we can hope that the plumber is on call. He can at least clear the bathtub drain should that become an issue.

Facing the prospect of a foot of snow and a front wheel drive car, we may end up vacationing in civilization over the weekend should things seem necessary, but I'm actually a bit torn. I figure if we go it's very likely we won't have the baby (just because that's how things tend to go). I really want to have the baby soon. If we stay, we could well end up having more excitement than we've counted on. I don't know if I'd choose the helicopter, the plumber in the ambulance, or just have a birth right here and call no one. (Actually, I'd choose unassisted at home but the rest of the household would freak out.) The helicopter would surely be a great story and would become part of the memorable stories locals like to tell, such as when Max's property was raided for marijuana and we all sat on a neighbor's bench drinking beer and watching the plants get confiscated. There is also the time the big bolder rolled into the road and had to be dynamited out. People showed up at a ranch with a view, picnic lunches in hand.

We make our own excitement around here. Someone has to. Hopefully I won't be making any this weekend.

Technorati Tags: pregnancy

As I find myself ready to pop, I have been reflecting a on the funniest moments of the pregnancy. We have had a lot of laughs but one story is standing out for me today. over the summer we had two guys working for us on occasion to help prepare the property for the wedding we hosted. One day in August we sat and discussed work activities for the fall, what we would do after the wedding. I talked about my big brush clearing project and how I intended to spend the third trimester out clearing brush our property. Keep in mind these were 23-year-old guys as strong as oxen and hard workers. At the time I was exhausted all the time by the pregnancy and wasn't able to keep up well with the outside work. In that context I was sitting there making the claim that within two months I would be out even more pregnant with a chainsaw clearing brush from our mountain property.

Life sometimes finds me caught in a moment in which I realize how absolutely ridiculous I am. I was rambling about brushclearing and look at these guys at my dining room table, the looks on their faces, and thought "I am ridiculous." Of course I could've just voiced how ridiculous I was being, but why do that? Instead I chose escalation.

I sat back in my chair and I proclaimed, "The biggest problem with my plan is that I don't own a pair of chaps."

The looks on their faces, of course, were priceless. And on a dime one responded, "You're right. Get the chaps, then all we need is a camera so that we can make a calendar for your husband." The mental image of an eight month pregnant woman and in chaps with a chainsaw was just about more than we could stand. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course I never got the chaps and don't know if I would have the guts to make such calendar and yet somehow the lack of the calendar may be something I look back on with regret.

We had a great runner up moment just two days ago while taking pictures of my pregnant self. For about a month I realized that we really missed an opportunity. My father that tips the scale at about 300 pounds has an abdominal hernia. He started a diet this summer which as been very successful. It struck me that he is losing and I am gaining and we really needed monthly photos of us standing side-by-side to chart our progress. And so here I am at 39 1/2 weeks and finally got the picture. I realize it's a tease posting about a picture and yet not posting the picture, but some things are better left private. I will say I laughed so hard I nearly went into labor. My mother reported to me, "You win."

Technorati Tags: pregnancy, humor

There has been no helicopter lift out of the Sequoia National Forest, at least one not involving me. We did lose power earlier in the week and have had snow and black ice on the roads but we did manage to get out yesterday and are in civilization now. It turns out that the process will be much less dramatic and likely a little less satisfying.

I am out of time. Last baby was a c-section for breech and I am going to probably the most liberal practice in a four-hour drive from our house. They do VBACS, sort of. If I came in well progressed, I'd probably be good-to-go. I figured that would happen by now, but these two weeks of pre-labor symptoms have done squat. I'm starting the 41st week now, not really past due, but I have climbing blood pressure and it's hard to know if I am doing it to myself (as I have before) over not having had the baby yet or whether I would end up with a surprise at the end of all of this that it wasn't in my head after all. There are other issues as well that have piled up and are making us all think that a section is not necessary but probably prudent.

We've been negotiating dates of the section and the latest was this Saturday. It seems that everyone wants a baby before Christmas and the hospital has women lined up back-to-belly in the days before Christmas this coming week. Once I agreed to Saturday I began to plan for the c-section complications that can arise and realized that our care providers won't necessarily be around on Saturday. Frederick was in the NICU, for instance, and was treated by our regular pediatrician. I get concerned that the weekend before Christmas will leave us with a call group full of interns.

All that is background to say that I am marching in, like a lamb to slaughter, today. I am not happy about it but we are trying to manage the whole package of potential problems, not just creating the best birth situation (at least this is what my people are telling me). We have a pretty good team and can reduce a lot of problems we've had before and some new ones as well. Having a baby is such an exercise in faith that I certainly know we can't plan for everything. I try to keep those "what ifs" out of my mind. (If you comment here that I should refuse the section, you're too late. I'm in pre-op in 90 minutes.)

I've done a c-section before and have a goody bag packed for the experience. I remember being so hungry after the section that I would devour anything at all they brought into my room. The day of the section it's all liquid which means Jello and juice for the most part. You surely wouldn't want to nourish someone who just created a new life. Mom is bringing a thermos full of warm beef broth and I have fresh pomegranate juice. I have some high-powered probiotics as well to off-set the broad-spectrum antibiotics.

The whole pregnancy process and frankly parenting itself is an exercise in faith and I shouldn't be surprised that this particular critical moment comes down to faith as well. There are far too many bad outcomes in this business. We have no choice but to have faith in a good one which is what I am trying very hard to do.

I'll leave all of this with a picture. This is evidence that it's time (and this picture is ten days old). You might note from the picture why yesterday when Frederick was out playing in the snow being all boy, I stood inside and lamented the fact that I was too disabled to play with him. I have had a lot of sympathy for disabled people these days. I have been able to walk, don't get me wrong. In fact, I was walking on a steep mountain road until the snow came. I just can't juggle snow, ice, and my new center of gravity. Many days I've wondered if I would ever be the same again. I suppose it's that same faith I'm clinging to today that led me to order an attachment for a jogging stroller so that I can put a newborn baby bucket in it and become myself again. That will be one of the visions I go in with this morning.

Thank you for all of your well-wishes.

Technorati Tags: pregnancy

Alastair James was born on Thursday via scheduled c-section. He was 7 pounds 4 ounces, about a pound bigger than his brother Frederick. He is a dead-wringer for Frederick otherwise. He is sweet and content. In fact, the nurses in the NICU were trying to get him to teach the other babies how to behave.

He was in the NICU for over four days with pneumothorax, a lung condition more common in preemies though he was forty weeks. Like their looks, Frederick and Alastair shared pneumothorax as well, but Alastair's was more serious, required removal of air from his chest cavity and more extensive monitoring. He was under an oxygen hood for over a day and fed through an umbilical IV. Needless to say, Alistair's health was a huge strain on my mental health but it his condition cleared fairly quickly and I was able to focus on the positive: this is a condition that fixes itself, a good type to have if you are going to have one.

We're home now and breastfeeding is going well. He's sweet and content.

I'm sorry for not updating with the news sooner but I had no Internet access and not a whole lot of energy anyway. I'll post more details and pictures in the next few days.

Technorati Tags: depression, pregnancy