Rebuild from Depression Blog

With over six years to reflect on how things might have gone, I have begun a process that is most comparable to estate planning. We all try to make provisions for our families should we die or become incapacitated. While I am doing extremely well compared to the last pregnancy, I have to recognize that my situation could change at any time. Should it change, we need to have a plan. I am making my plans now to ensure that the baby and I will be well cared for should I become unable to make decisions.

I have a good team of professionals from the last bout, but I am asking a mental health professional to serve as my case manager should the need arise. She appreciates my own wishes to avoid using medication, but she also knows the consequences of not intervening in critical times. I recognize now that the first time around I took a great risk in not seeking treatment for psychosis. There was a two-week period where I thought my son was filled with demons. I actually had someone pray for him, but religious intervention was probably not the most-needed at the time. Andrea Yates killed her children in a similar situation. Dumb luck may well have been what kept me from killing mine. All that is to say that there are much worse things than conventional mental health treatment. (I realize that this is a complicated issue and that Andrea Yates was medicated but my point is that a professional monitoring a psychotic person is probably a real good idea.)

Avoiding the worst with “The List”
I don’t expect to end up in the clinker because what the six years and an entire book project have given me is a whole lot of perspective. I have lived two-and-a-half years without a major down-cycle because I have figured out what drives them and I establish structures to avoid them. A big part of the plan is rest, exercise, and sunshine. I did the exercise well the first time around but I maintained all of my work expectations. I lived under a great deal of stress.

This time around, we have counted our money and tightened our budget. I won’t work at all for about nine months unless I want to. Our business income is down anyway because of the recession, so rather than hustling more business, I’ll just spend my time being pregnant and caring for a baby. I expect I’ll post on this blog and I may develop some data products for my data business. Neither project will have deadlines.

A key change since the last round is our attitude about the energy women expend growing a baby. That is where “The List” comes in. This is a list my husband agreed to a year or more ago in the context of “if we ever have another baby.” I think he had forgotten the list and got one of those “deer-in-the-headlight” looks when I brought it up recently. But he’s on board. Everyone is pretty motivated to avoid a re-run of the first time around. The original list is below, though I have already decided to take some months off work entirely, through much of the third trimester and the first four months postpartum.

“The List” aka Future Baby Agreement
1) If I say I need something, the correct response is:
"I will figure out how to make that happen."
The incorrect responses are
"Are you sure?" or
"How much will that cost?"
2) Do not expect me to earn more than $XX a month (5-8 hours of work each week). I cannot be a money machine and a baby machine at the same time. If other money needs to be made, someone else needs to do it. And if my demands from item #1 on the list exceed my own earning power, that should not be my problem.
3) If we need more funds to pay for #1 on the list, reducing retirement savings is far better than me going bananas. Retirement is still decades away. The mental institution is just a few miles away.
4) If it becomes unreasonable for me to earn even $XX a month, then revert to #1 on the list.
5) Should I earn more than $XX a month, the excess will pay for additional household staff at my discretion.
6) I will not require us to move to a deserted island during my pregnancy so that you can harvest wild seafood for my dinner while I bask in the sun. Though it is my pregnancy fantasy, I won't make it a requirement under Item #1. It would, however, make a handsome holiday gift.

Progress so far
I will be wrapping up the first trimester and am happy to report that my worst days this time around are nearly as good as my best days in my other pregnancy. I have been tired and nauseous but nothing out of the ordinary. I spend the first few hours each morning attempting to bust out work and spend the rest of the day doing light gardening. My son and I spend a lot of time in “our office.” That is the secret codeword for “the hammock.” I don’t know why I didn’t make it my office long ago.

I find myself pretty lucky that I am pregnant in the first place and have the luxury of hammock time.